I don't know where to start. In the last five years I've done many things. Many things that I thought would make me happy and successful, including pursuing a higher ideal. However, if you saw my post about leaving the spiritual community you see my feelings have changed. It's not only that area in my life that have changed, but everything. Literally everything that I thought would give me happiness have failed to do such. Which made me really angry at myself more than anything. I felt like I failed to do what I intended to do so many years ago.
Upon looking at myself in a new light, really taking in the consideration of my true talents and interests, I decided to coach myself. I wanted to coach myself to being whole and complete again. Where I tended to my feelings of feeling different, victimized and unworthy of myself and in life. I so much wanted to succeed and be successful but I found it all go up in smoke. I blamed myself for everything I thought I've done wrong, and felt liable of all the traits I thought that fostered failure and unworthiness.
When I closed my eyes and looked at myself, I saw a girl that was holding on to everything. Every piece of guilt, anger, unworthiness, sadness and anything she felt she had done wrong in the last 5 years. It was weighing her down so much; yet, she wanted to go down the new path she saw clearly that was calling to her. It was tragic and honorable at the same time.
When I saw that in me, all those things I was holding on too, I told myself "before you do anything, just stop. Stop thinking about the past and stop trying to move forward towards the future. The only thing you need to do right now is focus on yourself." It was mind boggling how accurate I was saying these things to myself. It's as if I was truly seeing myself as the client completely detached to my own situation.
When we were going back and forth, a lot of great things were said. The one idea I gave my client self however really hit me, it was giving my feelings a funeral. All those times I felt shitty, I would say my last goodbyes and bury them in the ground. I would close that specific chapter in my life and energetically start a new one. So that I would be able to go down this new road without being held back by my past.It was so perfect and I wanted to do it then and there but I knew I needed to heal myself that night. I actually haven't done my normal healing routine in over 2 months so all my negative emotions from then on compounded really bad.
That next day, after I did my morning routine, I got on the computer and stated all of my negative feelings that I've felt. The anger, sense of failure, sadness, shame and all the negative thoughts and attachments that I had. Here is the most prevalent part of my funeral:
What I hated the most, was the fact I followed my bliss, calling and purpose only for it to blow up in my face. I wasn't happy, I wasn't abundant, life was still hard and I was sad and wanted things to stop. Everything I ever learned didn't seem to fit anywhere anymore.
All the experts were wrong and I hated the fact that I seemed so different from the people I followed and once looked up too. Nothing made sense. After all these years learning, trying and listening, I've gotten nowhere. I hated what I was doing and didn't see the people, progress or changes I so wanted to see. I was so angry that I just kept it all to myself and felt like a total failure.
All those feelings saying "that I couldn't do anything right" was true, that is how I felt. I tried so hard to be that perfect light worker, that great angel card reader and healer and still I wasn't happy. I felt like people would disown me if I showed my true colors. I felt stuck in life, I felt stuck in myself.
It felt good to get those feelings out on the table and state them as if they where detached from my being. It made me feel that this is the end, and I'm truly ready to open a new chapter in my life. This is apart of the closing of my funeral:
I'm choosing to let it all go. That isn't me anymore. This is a funeral to those feelings, places, sense of unworthiness and anyone that didn't believe in me. This is a closing of a chapter and a start of a new beginning. A new beginning where, I walk in love and not with a sense of guilt.
Where I know I'm smart enough, talented enough, and have plenty of people that care and want to see me succeed. That the world helps me everyday and that the next step is always present. More importantly, I can have a bad day and that doesn't mean I failed; I'm simply learning and being human with limitations. And that's okay.
Having that moment to acknowledge my true feelings and deciding with great intention to leave them where they stand was powerful. I feel that a lot has been lifted from my shoulders and I'm so much closer to where I need to be. Even though I've done the most important part, I still have a lot of self healing to do. Things to work out in myself and old programs I need to dissolve fully.
When I saw myself again after my funeral, I told myself that I can "slowly" proceed in the direction I want to go in. But, I have to be mindful that I still need to work on clearing out the old in its entirely. To disable some limited beliefs and completely disarm the past from rearing its ugly head.
I'm still in-between the old and new, and that's okay. This is the perfect place to do my healing work because I don't feel pressure to succeed or fight the old. I can take my time and let the universe guide me to where ever I need to go. At the same time, moving forward and blogging like I want to, expressing myself and focusing on the things I love make it that much more rewarding. I feel complete talking about my story and self discoveries. That I'm okay with the good times and bad, and most of all: I'm doing something I feel connected too. It's the best feeling in the world when everything around me is still very much uncertain.
What is it that you need to give a funeral too? An ex, a job, a friend, a relationship, your feelings of unworthiness, humiliation, failure or pressure? What is it that truly calls you but you resist with the feelings of holding on to something that isn't serving you. Tell me what you think you need to lose and how you want your new chapter to be about.
♥♥♥ Inner Child, The Divine Whisperer ♥♥♥
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