There is something that I always found running rampant among
the creative community for as long as I can remember. It's always something
that never cease and always seem to grow over time as we develop our individual
styles and mediums. It's a monster inside us ready to consume any and all light
that we mange to obtain in ourselves, our art and in our spirit as creatives.
That monster is the lack of self love. Not just the lack of
self love but a needing to put pressure on ourselves to be the best. It all
comes hand in hand. If we feel that our work doesn't stand up to the standards
we think it needs to be on, we beat ourselves up. We assume that we are not
good enough, skilled enough, talented enough, different enough or important
enough to receive appreciation, love and success. It's a vicious cycle that
never ends if we, ourselves, don't put a stop to it.
It destroys our spirit, mindset, inspirational energy and
vitality. When was the last time that you were so exhausted by that critical
voice ringing in your ear about a sketch, photo or story you created? How many
excuses, justifications and flat out lies did it sing to you on why you wasn't
good enough no matter how much you fixed it? It eventually get its way with us
and we'll jump as high as it want us to. But the kicker is that we will never
get to that standard because the bar will keep raising. And each time we fail
that voice will screech in our ear again to start the process over. This is what
a lack of self love looks like.
It's looking at our art, even though we may like it, and picking
it apart of why it's not the way it should be. It's looking at our personal
galleries and thinking of how our personal style is weird, generic or simply unappealing.
It's seeing ourselves as failures for not doing more to succeed in our creative
passions. To accomplish as much as our idols and peers that seem to have it all
together. It's truly not just an issue with artists but people in general. But
since I'm speaking solely about artists and creative people, I want to let you
know how much this truly damages your self worth and work.
I'm a perfect candidate for knowing what the lack of self
love as an artist looks like. For years I tried and tired and tried so hard to
be as good as my peers and idols. I see my friends, associates and famous
artists seemingly gaining the world through their art. It's the best feeling in
the world when people say how much they love your work. Or that you started up
a successful comic, business, blog or website where people notice you everyday.
It's something that I saw around me and felt that I needed as well to know that
I was a "great artist."
However, what this lead to was training myself to be my
worst critic. To see flaws in everything I did and work my ass off to correct
them. Sometimes I would love the sketch or line art that I just did, but the
night after when I look at it, I would hate it. I would compare how I did the
mouth, eyes or the folds of clothing to other artists around me. Stacking up
reason after reason on how I didn't hit the mark and why other people wouldn't
like my art either. At the same time, I would hold myself to unrealistic
expectations and standards about if I did a good job as an artist. I needed tons
of people to look at my art, comment on it and have this whole fanfare to feel
like I made a difference, that my art was good, and if I was a worthy artist.
But what I didn't see is that I was withholding the truelove from myself and my art in these pursuits. It wasn't the popularity that I
wanted that determined if I was a "great artist" but the fact that I
drew at all. That I enjoyed myself, the subjects and inspirations that I drew
from. Honestly, it took me years to understand that my role as an artist wasn't
for people to notice me as something great and special. But for me to enjoy
what I do because it was meant for me to enjoy it, day in and day out just
because I can. So that I can bring that much more happiness by doing what I do
best, drawing.
It wasn't for people to love what I do (though it's nice). It
wasn't for big companies to notice me. It wasn't for me to make a lot of money
from it (again it's REALLY nice to do so), but to love what I am and what I did
everyday. I think it's a lesson that you won't see until you're on the edge of
losing the very thing that makes you who you are like I did. I avoided my own
art and creativity for about 3 years because of not appreciating my own talent
and worth as an artist.
Even though I tried to get back into the swing of things, my
own critical feelings made me step back from taking reign in my own talent once
again. For the simple fact that I know my own critical voice is there waiting
to jump at the chance to tear my work apart. To make me not good enough,
talented enough and to compare me to almost everyone I feel is better than me.
I got tired of those feelings and when I felt those emotions subside in my down
time, I kept myself there subconsciously. I just let myself side into
contentment with being creative in other areas. Nonetheless, that critical
voice followed me anyway, letting me know about what would make me worthy if I
did the right things.
So you see, there is nothing you can do to satisfy these
justifications, standards and conditions that you've set yourself up to.
Because until you are okay with yourself, your work and artistic spirit without
some crazy credentials, you'll be running in a hamster wheel. Trying long and
hard for some outside validation that can't give you the love that only you can
give to yourself.
A quick sketch that I did to help me embody my own self love
And sometimes it is easier said then done. To throw away the
internal rules and standards that makes you feel safe and secure in your work,
but believe me, you're not safe or secure but content. Which doesn't promote
real creativity or true self love. To reach that real vista that you're trying
to get to, you have to throw caution in the wind, accept yourself and shut down
that critical voice once and for all.
It's not always easy but it's guaranteed to bring you closer
to who you really are, pure unconditional love.
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