A Funeral to my Old Emotions and Feelings

I don't know where to start. In the last five years I've done many things. Many things that I thought would make me happy and successful, including pursuing a higher ideal. However, if you saw my post about leaving the spiritual community you see my feelings have changed. It's not only that area in my life that have changed, but everything. Literally everything that I thought would give me happiness have failed to do such. Which made me really angry at myself more than anything. I felt like I failed to do what I intended to do so many years ago.

Upon looking at myself in a new light, really taking in the consideration of my true talents and interests, I decided to coach myself. I wanted to coach myself to being whole and complete again. Where I tended to my feelings of feeling different, victimized and unworthy of myself and in life. I so much wanted to succeed and be successful but I found it all go up in smoke. I blamed myself for everything I thought I've done wrong, and felt liable of all the traits I thought that fostered failure and unworthiness.

When I closed my eyes and looked at myself, I saw a girl that was holding on to everything. Every piece of guilt, anger, unworthiness, sadness and anything she felt she had done wrong in the last 5 years. It was weighing her down so much; yet, she wanted to go down the new path she saw clearly that was calling to her. It was tragic and honorable at the same time.

When I saw that in me, all those things I was holding on too, I told myself "before you do anything, just stop. Stop thinking about the past and stop trying to move forward towards the future. The only thing you need to do right now is focus on yourself." It was mind boggling how accurate I was saying these things to myself. It's as if I was truly seeing myself as the client completely detached to my own situation.

When we were going back and forth, a lot of great things were said. The one idea I gave my client self however really hit me, it was giving my feelings a funeral. All those times I felt shitty, I would say my last goodbyes and bury them in the ground. I would close that specific chapter in my life and energetically start a new one. So that I would be able to go down this new road without being held back by my past.

It was so perfect and I wanted to do it then and there but I knew I needed to heal myself that night. I actually haven't done my normal healing routine in over 2 months so all my negative emotions from then on compounded really bad.

That next day, after I did my morning routine, I got on the computer and stated all of my negative feelings that I've felt. The anger, sense of failure, sadness, shame and all the negative thoughts and attachments that I had. Here is the most prevalent part of my funeral:

What I hated the most, was the fact I followed my bliss, calling and purpose only for it to blow up in my face. I wasn't happy, I wasn't abundant, life was still hard and I was sad and wanted things to stop. Everything I ever learned didn't seem to fit anywhere anymore.

All the experts were wrong and I hated the fact that I seemed so different from the people I followed and once looked up too. Nothing made sense. After all these years learning, trying and listening, I've gotten nowhere. I hated what I was doing and didn't see the people, progress or changes I so wanted to see. I was so angry that I just kept it all to myself and felt like a total failure.

All those feelings saying "that I couldn't do anything right" was true, that is how I felt. I tried so hard to be that perfect light worker, that great angel card reader and healer and still I wasn't happy. I felt like people would disown me if I showed my true colors. I felt stuck in life, I felt stuck in myself.

It felt good to get those feelings out on the table and state them as if they where detached from my being. It made me feel that this is the end, and I'm truly ready to open a new chapter in my life. This is apart of the closing of my funeral:

I'm choosing to let it all go. That isn't me anymore. This is a funeral to those feelings, places, sense of unworthiness and anyone that didn't believe in me. This is a closing of a chapter and a start of a new beginning. A new beginning where, I walk in love and not with a sense of guilt.

Where I know I'm smart enough, talented enough, and have plenty of people that care and want to see me succeed. That the world helps me everyday and that the next step is always present. More importantly, I can have a bad day and that doesn't mean I failed; I'm simply learning and being human with limitations. And that's okay.

I'm perfect as I am, even when I can't do everything I want in a day. Where I can't get everything I want at this hot red minute; that I cuss and get angry. Those are the very best parts of me and shows how even more enlightened I am. Not because I'm showing people the light, but also the darkness that resides in us all. That there is nothing to be afraid of and we all can change into better people everyday.

Having that moment to acknowledge my true feelings and deciding with great intention to leave them where they stand was powerful. I feel that a lot has been lifted from my shoulders and I'm so much closer to where I need to be. Even though I've done the most important part, I still have a lot of self healing to do. Things to work out in myself and old programs I need to dissolve fully.

When I saw myself again after my funeral, I told myself that I can "slowly" proceed in the direction I want to go in. But, I have to be mindful that I still need to work on clearing out the old in its entirely. To disable some limited beliefs and completely disarm the past from rearing its ugly head.


I'm still in-between the old and new, and that's okay. This is the perfect place to do my healing work because I don't feel pressure to succeed or fight the old. I can take my time and let the universe guide me to where ever I need to go. At the same time, moving forward and blogging like I want to, expressing myself and focusing on the things I love make it that much more rewarding. I feel complete talking about my story and self discoveries. That I'm okay with the good times and bad, and most of all: I'm doing something I feel connected too. It's the best feeling in the world when everything around me is still very much uncertain.

What is it that you need to give a funeral too? An ex, a job, a friend, a relationship, your feelings of unworthiness, humiliation, failure or pressure? What is it that truly calls you but you resist with the feelings of holding on to something that isn't serving you. Tell me what you think you need to lose and how you want your new chapter to be about.

♥♥♥ Inner Child, The Divine Whisperer ♥♥♥

A Bitter Sweet First Year Anniversary

I lost my pet guinea pig Caramel on July 6, 2012 a day before my first year anniversary of officially opening my angel card reading business. It was rough because I had to see her go slowly since we couldn't afford to take her to vet. I don't want to explain again how this made me feel so I'll just copy and past what I wrote the first time on a personal blog.

"My guinea pig, Caramel, just passed away around 4:30PM July, 6, 2012... 

I noticed she was sick on the 4th and since then, even when I tried to nurse her back to health she slowly got worst. Even when I wanted to take her to the E.R we couldn't afford it so the next best thing was "to make her comfortable". 

I'm not mad at anyone, but I'm so sick and tired living in the shadow of what life suppose to be. If ANYONE is sick, we should be able to get help not matter if it's paid or for free. If I'm hungry I should be able to buy a good grade of food for a fair price. If I want to live somewhere, it should be a nice neighborhood without the bullshit. 

I know life isn't perfect or suppose to be perfect, but I know it's not suppose to be like this. It's painful seeing someone you love slowly decay because you simply didn't have the money to get help. I know this is reality for way too many people but... Just the fuck. Where is this world going with so many problems that can be fixed rather easily, or a lot more easy then what the news/politics suggests. 

Sometimes, living in this world and the people in it disgusts me to no end. Then on the other hand it's the complete opposite. I don't know what I can do for the world to fix it's problems but I know what I can do for myself. So if I can't even afford the care of a sick pet, I can at least put it down and not see it slowly dying right in front of my eyes. I never want to see that again, nor do I ever want to see any other creature (human or otherwise) die a slow death. 

Anyway... When Caramel passed she was moving her little legs, or at least the ones that were still working, as if she wanted to run somewhere. We were calling her name and petting her when my mom suggested that we stopped so she won't keep "coming back". Once we stopped she pretty much passed and I was crushed. Though a HUGE relief came with her passing. I didn't feel responsible, internally caged or that needing of her to finally go so I wouldn't see her in so much struggle. The poor thing tried her damnest to walk and move around, but her body and legs where shutting down slowly on her. Once I saw that she couldn't keep getting up when she was laying down on my stomach, I knew that she was on her last... But even then, on her last breath she was rapidly moving her legs. I knew that she wanted to "get up and go" and damn it I was asking everything I knew to give her a peaceful passing....

But above all else... 

She had an incredible will from the very beginning and was a fighter to the very end.

She gave me great inspiration to never give up, even when your on your last leg. That, and she was fitting for my "determined" personality. Even though I wanted her to rest and just close her eyes and go, I can't help but to think "Damn, she died like a fucking champion". And if given the same circumstances, I would "die trying" to get to where I needed to go too. I can't really say I know too many people that display that intense determination. 

Me and my sister buried Caramel in the backyard. I killed me to put the box in the ground that was still warm on the bottom. Shoving the dirt on top hurt like hell too. When I first noticed caramel was sick, I only thought of the worst and I just didn't want to "deal with it". I so much wanted to have that burden off me so I can go through life normally. But I learned that despite death and my emotions, everything does turn out okay. I'm depressed as hell, yes, but I know that everything I have going on is still there for me. The world is not ending and my world surely hasn't end yet. I'm just going though the "now" even if I'm hurt and feel like a total failure. It's just the now and it will pass too, I just have to allow myself to be human, fuck up, make mistakes and learn. Happy times will always be in my future as long as I keep going. I damn sure don't plan to stop, if anything, I'll just take a break. 

Thank you for that lesson Caramel and for the last 6 awesome years of happiness and frustration haha! 

One of the last pictures I took of her while she was sick before she died that day.

I'm just happy that you are in peace now, I know you are happy on the other side, and that makes me endlessly happy even if I "feel" depressed now. Seeing her lifeless body gave me great ease rather than pain and that's the first time I ever felt that way. Thank you for showing me how much I've grown and how much I can truly handle, because this week was tough, yet I made it. :)

My favorite picture of us together! Again this was on the same day that she passed

 
One extra side note, tomorrow will be my first year anniversary of opening my angel card reading business. Ironic, I know... >___> It will be very bitter sweet. And even more ironic, I just finished watching 20/20's special on "Heaven, where is it and how do we get there"? Thanks for that nod universe, I totally understand... "

It's been two days since then and I feel like my heart is breaking, no, ripping apart thread by thread. I was depressed because of the way she died but now I'm just depressed. I miss her so much, yet I get why we choose to be born and when we leave. It doesn't matter how much you know about the afterlife, when someone you love dies, it will always hurt. Though, knowing what I do does take the edge off. I know it's not the end and I will see her again eventually. 

See you on the Rainbow Bridge Caramel!