A Bitter Sweet First Year Anniversary

I lost my pet guinea pig Caramel on July 6, 2012 a day before my first year anniversary of officially opening my angel card reading business. It was rough because I had to see her go slowly since we couldn't afford to take her to vet. I don't want to explain again how this made me feel so I'll just copy and past what I wrote the first time on a personal blog.

"My guinea pig, Caramel, just passed away around 4:30PM July, 6, 2012... 

I noticed she was sick on the 4th and since then, even when I tried to nurse her back to health she slowly got worst. Even when I wanted to take her to the E.R we couldn't afford it so the next best thing was "to make her comfortable". 

I'm not mad at anyone, but I'm so sick and tired living in the shadow of what life suppose to be. If ANYONE is sick, we should be able to get help not matter if it's paid or for free. If I'm hungry I should be able to buy a good grade of food for a fair price. If I want to live somewhere, it should be a nice neighborhood without the bullshit. 

I know life isn't perfect or suppose to be perfect, but I know it's not suppose to be like this. It's painful seeing someone you love slowly decay because you simply didn't have the money to get help. I know this is reality for way too many people but... Just the fuck. Where is this world going with so many problems that can be fixed rather easily, or a lot more easy then what the news/politics suggests. 

Sometimes, living in this world and the people in it disgusts me to no end. Then on the other hand it's the complete opposite. I don't know what I can do for the world to fix it's problems but I know what I can do for myself. So if I can't even afford the care of a sick pet, I can at least put it down and not see it slowly dying right in front of my eyes. I never want to see that again, nor do I ever want to see any other creature (human or otherwise) die a slow death. 

Anyway... When Caramel passed she was moving her little legs, or at least the ones that were still working, as if she wanted to run somewhere. We were calling her name and petting her when my mom suggested that we stopped so she won't keep "coming back". Once we stopped she pretty much passed and I was crushed. Though a HUGE relief came with her passing. I didn't feel responsible, internally caged or that needing of her to finally go so I wouldn't see her in so much struggle. The poor thing tried her damnest to walk and move around, but her body and legs where shutting down slowly on her. Once I saw that she couldn't keep getting up when she was laying down on my stomach, I knew that she was on her last... But even then, on her last breath she was rapidly moving her legs. I knew that she wanted to "get up and go" and damn it I was asking everything I knew to give her a peaceful passing....

But above all else... 

She had an incredible will from the very beginning and was a fighter to the very end.

She gave me great inspiration to never give up, even when your on your last leg. That, and she was fitting for my "determined" personality. Even though I wanted her to rest and just close her eyes and go, I can't help but to think "Damn, she died like a fucking champion". And if given the same circumstances, I would "die trying" to get to where I needed to go too. I can't really say I know too many people that display that intense determination. 

Me and my sister buried Caramel in the backyard. I killed me to put the box in the ground that was still warm on the bottom. Shoving the dirt on top hurt like hell too. When I first noticed caramel was sick, I only thought of the worst and I just didn't want to "deal with it". I so much wanted to have that burden off me so I can go through life normally. But I learned that despite death and my emotions, everything does turn out okay. I'm depressed as hell, yes, but I know that everything I have going on is still there for me. The world is not ending and my world surely hasn't end yet. I'm just going though the "now" even if I'm hurt and feel like a total failure. It's just the now and it will pass too, I just have to allow myself to be human, fuck up, make mistakes and learn. Happy times will always be in my future as long as I keep going. I damn sure don't plan to stop, if anything, I'll just take a break. 

Thank you for that lesson Caramel and for the last 6 awesome years of happiness and frustration haha! 

One of the last pictures I took of her while she was sick before she died that day.

I'm just happy that you are in peace now, I know you are happy on the other side, and that makes me endlessly happy even if I "feel" depressed now. Seeing her lifeless body gave me great ease rather than pain and that's the first time I ever felt that way. Thank you for showing me how much I've grown and how much I can truly handle, because this week was tough, yet I made it. :)

My favorite picture of us together! Again this was on the same day that she passed

 
One extra side note, tomorrow will be my first year anniversary of opening my angel card reading business. Ironic, I know... >___> It will be very bitter sweet. And even more ironic, I just finished watching 20/20's special on "Heaven, where is it and how do we get there"? Thanks for that nod universe, I totally understand... "

It's been two days since then and I feel like my heart is breaking, no, ripping apart thread by thread. I was depressed because of the way she died but now I'm just depressed. I miss her so much, yet I get why we choose to be born and when we leave. It doesn't matter how much you know about the afterlife, when someone you love dies, it will always hurt. Though, knowing what I do does take the edge off. I know it's not the end and I will see her again eventually. 

See you on the Rainbow Bridge Caramel!