Making spirituality my own.
It's been a long time since I made a personal blog post. Mostly because I went into a deep hiatus after being "out there" for too long and other life happenings. Things have gotten so intense in my life that I had to choose to drop a lot of the tasks I was trying to do and focus on my core passions. It's something that I want to get into in another post but for now I just want to express my new feelings about spiritually and just being alive.
Through my hiatus a lot of big changes happened, and most of them were in myself. The way I view the world and it's relation to myself and my current experience in the world. A change in dreams and finally knowing what I really want out of my life and in myself. Those changes and many others even before this time have been showing me how dependent I was on spirituality. And how I hold too many other people's words to heart and not on my own.
For the longest time I felt that being "positive" in all its aspects (loving, forgiving, gratefulness) meant trying to be this saint like figure, something that I wanted to be. But time and time again I would find life would takes it's toll and I would be anything but those things. Then I would feel bad because I was being "negative" and somehow I would be cut off from the universe's graces. I'm finding out that a lot of that thinking came from all the books and constant dedication to my spiritual beliefs. That positive things equaled to abundance and a great life and negative things equaled lack and etc. I believed this because everyone else were saying it, and me trying to follow the best possible route for my life, I wanted to adopt that thinking too.
The more days go by now, the more I see and feel myself separating from what I've been learning for years and into my own simple be(ing)lief system. Something that isn't what "everyone else" says, but one simply about me, being me in this world. I'm tired of hearing that positivity equals good and negativity equals bad in ALL aspects. I'm sick of hearing how if you are loving, forgiving and saint like you'll get the universe's graces. And if you are the opposite you are out of that loop.
My thing is, we should be allow to be human. And quite frankly, everyone isn't happy or loving or forgiving all the time, and that should be more than okay. I'm sick of hearing the guru's boast about their life being great because they were positive (in the broadest sense mind you) and if you don't have what you want, you are doing something wrong. I'm not against being positive, and I'm surly not against improving yourself and your life but I am against trying to be this god like figure because that's the spiritual community's "ideal" in a way.
Despite all the great and powerful experiences, words and concepts I've been shown about who I am, I'm starting to feel more comfortable being "human" (it changes but generally speaking). I'm feeling more comfortable having rough emotions, having to struggle sometimes, having to risk things, having to be open to others and being hurt, not wanting to forgive another, feeling disgusted with people and things, and just the way life is sometimes.
I feel that, I've kept myself from feeling strong hurtful emotions because I felt like I had to love everything to be this "shining beacon" of light. That top of the mountain that all spiritual people want to go on and spend tons of time and money on to get there. I want to be able to be my super self (embodiment of my higher self) but I think I've been trying to cut too much out and mold myself into something that the "collective" wants, and not so much my own.
I don't like children and babies, I never did, I never want to have any. The universe having been slapping me with "mother" and "children" like signs for over a year now. And in that time I felt like I had to like babies and children to be whatever the universe is trying to convey to me. But after some failed attempts to like them I just have to shout to the world at large that despite my beliefs and what I want to be, I DO NOT LIKE CHILDREN OR BABIES. And gosh it felt good when I got clear with myself about my feelings. It got even better when I told myself and the world that I don't have to be or do anything because I'm spiritual. I can be whoever I wish, and do whatever I wish and still be a great person. I don't have to be "all-loving", I don't have to forgive everyone on a drop of a dime and I don't have to be compassionate in the face of something I completely opposite. And I surely don't have to force myself to like anything to be in the universe's graces or to be considered an "authentic" spiritual person to others. It's all self opposed stuff that I've been reading about for as long as I've been in the metaphysical (which was for 10 plus years). I'm stepping out of the books, and other people's ideas to know that who I am "now" is more than good enough today, right now. I don't have to do anything or be anything to be good enough, I am that right now, with all my flaws.
Yes, I want to improve upon myself just like anyone else, but I won't be so serious about it. I'm more willing to go through life's bumps as well as the emotional kind and be okay. I can feel needy, selfish, spoiled, angry, unforgiving and know that it's okay to FEEL those feelings because I'm human. Despite my spiritual nature inside and outside my body, I can be anything I choose and accept those things, and still be good enough for the world, myself and anyone I care for. It's not about feeding those bad emotions, but accepting them inside myself, and admitting that "I'm not so loving right now", or "I really hate that I'm dealing with this." It really is okay, given that you're not being run by those emotions and are dealing with them constructively. And if you are still not feeling all loving, let that be okay. You're more than allowed to feel that way because we're human and no human being is perfect, or never had a negative emotion. We all had them at one point and we can get better. But don't strive for something mindlessly, or do it to be conveyed as a certain person, to other's or yourself. Because that will be the biggest challenge that you'll almost never have the guts to face. That part of you that is negative, hateful, unforgiving, hurt and only wants to express itself like every other part of you (as long as it is constructive of course).
♥♥♥ Inner Child, The Divine Whisperer ♥♥♥
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