However, in an awesome line of events, mostly the mermaids nudging me to revive old childhood passions did not only gave birth to my new dream, but spawned an entirely new me. Going down that road, I learned my even deeper struggles and unconscious processes. Why I always set myself up for failure and why I was so content on living a life of mediocrity. Why I've always deep down inside never considered myself good enough. Which fueled my drive to overhaul myself towards perfection by society's standards. Why it was so hard to put my all into something without thinking it would fail miserably.
To put it simply, I let the world tell me who I was from an early age. I was bullied a lot because of who I am and the sound of my voice, as ridiculous as it sounds. And all that torment, negative feelings and experiences I never really worked on poisoned my mind on such a deep level. For months I've been trying to throw out the negative and limiting beliefs but only up till a month or so ago was I able to hit this nasty core. My anger towards these monstrous class mates over the years and me being truly sick of not being good enough for something better made me rocket power towards full self love. I was PISSED that I let myself think that I wasn't good enough for better clothes, home, relationships and just life itself. I was so angry that I laid sleeping in this horrid nightmare, unable to realize what I was doing till I was knee deep in the shit. It was a powerful feeling, a feeling that I couldn't have been more thankful for.
In that hiatus, I knew that this was the very thing I've been waiting for. Before then, I felt this "last step" I had to go on in this old phase of my life. That person I was meant to be was there and I was just one step behind. If I was able to go it alone and to met her there, my world would change and it did. I was able to reshape everything I thought I knew about myself, and came to terms that I was beautiful, great, radiant and awesome since the day I was born. That no matter what weight I was, how I looked, sound or did, I was MORE than good enough, I was perfect the way I was. I let people determined who I was and because of that I hid my radiance from the world. I hid my own wings so that even I couldn't see them. So for many years I felt like I was just human, even in the face of an angel telling me how great I was. I was too afraid to come out of my "human" box. I was too afraid to stand out in fear that people will look down upon me. I didn't want to go too far in my opinions in fear that I will offend others. I let everyone else truly shape me into a lesser, far more inferior me and I'm deciding to throw that bastard out. I'll still have my issues, but I won't be controlled by them or how people perceive me. I'm going to bring my all everyday even if no one notices.
Another major factor in finding that true trust in myself was realizing that I didn't fully trust myself. I would only go 50%-90% most times. Even though I got better on "trusting" in general, trusting myself was one of the major problems I had. It was one of the major reasons why I failed in my more important goals in life. That was a total life changer. Once I knew about this, thanks to Archangel Michael, I was able to really change things around about myself.
Because I didn't trust myself, I had low expectations about things. Those low expectations manifested in not finishing projects and not seeing the results I wanted. Which ultimately lead to me feeling highly frustrated about life and how things just didn't work for me. Which lead me to subconsciously want help from guru's that spoke good enough game even though I was resistant. I wanted someone to give me a process that worked, so that I could stop struggling with myself. But that internal struggling came from me not trusting myself, so once I DID I had no need to have those people in my life. In fact I unsubscribed, unfollowed and deleted the very people that I idolized negatively. I felt kind of bad doing it but now (a few weeks since) I haven't thought about them at all!
In the height of that, learning about my new dream, having this new perspective on things and finally willing to put all the effort I needed to get there, I made my first vision board. I wanted to see, read and embody the very things I knew I could get out of life. That no matter what or who says what, I can live the life I was meant to live. That I wasn't bound to the struggles, negativity and ruined people in this city. I was born to fly freely and I was finally making that effort to do that! Seeing my own creativity and style made it so much more clearer that I was indeed born special, and that I hid from myself and my true power for way too long. Even if it takes a whole lifetime, I'm willing to dish it out on my own terms and not someone else's.
Since then, I made even more vision boards and my confidence went up quite a bit. I let myself do things now that I was afraid to do. I'm changing how I do business and how I approach things. I tell myself everyday that I trust myself and that things will work out. And mostly, I'm showing my wings to all that is in range to see them. So that I can be able to share and give my own radiance to people that find themselves in the same rut, without so much sacrificing my own butt in the process.
So this summer was a wonderful tool and I see how everything DID work out for the best. I could of never imagined the person I am now in the oceans of tears I cried throughout. I'm unbelievably happy of all the great and loving guides (especially the fairies) that kept me going and assured me of better times. I'm probably not rolling in money, have a big house or have that perfect lover or body now, but I have the most important thing. An undying drive, dedication and trust in myself. That I'm not only good enough for this world, but I am the very world I live in. And if I want a better life I have to have a better me, a me that is full of self love with a trust to match!
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