A Funeral to my Old Emotions and Feelings

I don't know where to start. In the last five years I've done many things. Many things that I thought would make me happy and successful, including pursuing a higher ideal. However, if you saw my post about leaving the spiritual community you see my feelings have changed. It's not only that area in my life that have changed, but everything. Literally everything that I thought would give me happiness have failed to do such. Which made me really angry at myself more than anything. I felt like I failed to do what I intended to do so many years ago.

Upon looking at myself in a new light, really taking in the consideration of my true talents and interests, I decided to coach myself. I wanted to coach myself to being whole and complete again. Where I tended to my feelings of feeling different, victimized and unworthy of myself and in life. I so much wanted to succeed and be successful but I found it all go up in smoke. I blamed myself for everything I thought I've done wrong, and felt liable of all the traits I thought that fostered failure and unworthiness.

When I closed my eyes and looked at myself, I saw a girl that was holding on to everything. Every piece of guilt, anger, unworthiness, sadness and anything she felt she had done wrong in the last 5 years. It was weighing her down so much; yet, she wanted to go down the new path she saw clearly that was calling to her. It was tragic and honorable at the same time.

When I saw that in me, all those things I was holding on too, I told myself "before you do anything, just stop. Stop thinking about the past and stop trying to move forward towards the future. The only thing you need to do right now is focus on yourself." It was mind boggling how accurate I was saying these things to myself. It's as if I was truly seeing myself as the client completely detached to my own situation.

When we were going back and forth, a lot of great things were said. The one idea I gave my client self however really hit me, it was giving my feelings a funeral. All those times I felt shitty, I would say my last goodbyes and bury them in the ground. I would close that specific chapter in my life and energetically start a new one. So that I would be able to go down this new road without being held back by my past.

It was so perfect and I wanted to do it then and there but I knew I needed to heal myself that night. I actually haven't done my normal healing routine in over 2 months so all my negative emotions from then on compounded really bad.

That next day, after I did my morning routine, I got on the computer and stated all of my negative feelings that I've felt. The anger, sense of failure, sadness, shame and all the negative thoughts and attachments that I had. Here is the most prevalent part of my funeral:

What I hated the most, was the fact I followed my bliss, calling and purpose only for it to blow up in my face. I wasn't happy, I wasn't abundant, life was still hard and I was sad and wanted things to stop. Everything I ever learned didn't seem to fit anywhere anymore.

All the experts were wrong and I hated the fact that I seemed so different from the people I followed and once looked up too. Nothing made sense. After all these years learning, trying and listening, I've gotten nowhere. I hated what I was doing and didn't see the people, progress or changes I so wanted to see. I was so angry that I just kept it all to myself and felt like a total failure.

All those feelings saying "that I couldn't do anything right" was true, that is how I felt. I tried so hard to be that perfect light worker, that great angel card reader and healer and still I wasn't happy. I felt like people would disown me if I showed my true colors. I felt stuck in life, I felt stuck in myself.

It felt good to get those feelings out on the table and state them as if they where detached from my being. It made me feel that this is the end, and I'm truly ready to open a new chapter in my life. This is apart of the closing of my funeral:

I'm choosing to let it all go. That isn't me anymore. This is a funeral to those feelings, places, sense of unworthiness and anyone that didn't believe in me. This is a closing of a chapter and a start of a new beginning. A new beginning where, I walk in love and not with a sense of guilt.

Where I know I'm smart enough, talented enough, and have plenty of people that care and want to see me succeed. That the world helps me everyday and that the next step is always present. More importantly, I can have a bad day and that doesn't mean I failed; I'm simply learning and being human with limitations. And that's okay.

I'm perfect as I am, even when I can't do everything I want in a day. Where I can't get everything I want at this hot red minute; that I cuss and get angry. Those are the very best parts of me and shows how even more enlightened I am. Not because I'm showing people the light, but also the darkness that resides in us all. That there is nothing to be afraid of and we all can change into better people everyday.

Having that moment to acknowledge my true feelings and deciding with great intention to leave them where they stand was powerful. I feel that a lot has been lifted from my shoulders and I'm so much closer to where I need to be. Even though I've done the most important part, I still have a lot of self healing to do. Things to work out in myself and old programs I need to dissolve fully.

When I saw myself again after my funeral, I told myself that I can "slowly" proceed in the direction I want to go in. But, I have to be mindful that I still need to work on clearing out the old in its entirely. To disable some limited beliefs and completely disarm the past from rearing its ugly head.


I'm still in-between the old and new, and that's okay. This is the perfect place to do my healing work because I don't feel pressure to succeed or fight the old. I can take my time and let the universe guide me to where ever I need to go. At the same time, moving forward and blogging like I want to, expressing myself and focusing on the things I love make it that much more rewarding. I feel complete talking about my story and self discoveries. That I'm okay with the good times and bad, and most of all: I'm doing something I feel connected too. It's the best feeling in the world when everything around me is still very much uncertain.

What is it that you need to give a funeral too? An ex, a job, a friend, a relationship, your feelings of unworthiness, humiliation, failure or pressure? What is it that truly calls you but you resist with the feelings of holding on to something that isn't serving you. Tell me what you think you need to lose and how you want your new chapter to be about.

♥♥♥ Inner Child, The Divine Whisperer ♥♥♥

Asexuality and Twin Flames (TMI Warning)

This topic has been on my mind for a while now, especially since my own twin is due to pop up at anytime. I do have quite the update on that issue, and I'm sure you all are dying to hear about it. However, that will be for the next time.

Anyway, asexual twin flames, asexual twin flame relationship, does it exist I don't know. Every time I hear about twin flames, sex is somehow mesh into it, depending how deep the conversation goes. This puts a bit of the "ugh pressure" on me because I am asexual, meaning that I have no sexual attraction towards people. If you're like "what the hell is that?" then I'll escort you to this asexuality forum where you can get all your answers and even more questions from.

Remember that one post where I talk about meeting my twin flame in a dream? I mention how I wasn't a very romantic girl, and how I wasn't interested in relationships until college. Well, before I knew what asexuality was, that was apart of the reason. In those teen years having partners and such pretty much included sex. Being in high school, that's all I heard about everyday. Even though I didn't know I was asexual, I knew that I didn't want any parts of having sex.

Generally relationships includes sex, we all know that. But in college, really recognizing that I didn't want to have sex in my romantic relationships made things strange. Even going into my only relationship, I didn't know how to express my feelings on the matter or how to adjust the relationship to fit in my preferences. At the end, what really turned me off and made the relationship deteriorate was the ex's sexual feelings.

(TMI WARNING)

I'm debating even mentioning the actual story, but I will anyway. One night, he told me he had a sexual dream about me, then pleasured himself afterwards. That shit blew my mind. I mean, I never told him how I felt about sex, nor did he. Unless you count his cute little story about us making love then pleasuring himself, which is disgusting by the way. Who does that? Way TMI if you ask me.

Anyway, the point is I felt so uneasy around him after that. Solely because he might want to take things to the next level. Even us cuddling (and I love cuddling and affection) made me uncomfortable. I remember clearly pushing him away a few times due to that very fact. The relationship ended with him up and leaving, like up and leaving without telling me at ALL. A hardy "fuck you" to you fine sir. (Yes, I'm still slightly pet peeved about that, it was a douche and cowardly move.)

Even though I was hurt at the time, I knew it was for the VERY best. For reasons I won't go into today. All I can say though is thank you for giving me the greatest gift of all, which is my twin flame. You can keep your nasty sex dreams and depression to yourself too.

After that I vowed when I'm emotionally healed, I wanted to be with the person I came into this world with. About 2 years later my twin flame appeared to me and so far, I like what he's about. I've gotten a lot of intuitive information about him that just slides into place of what I didn't even know I loved. However, in the back of my mind, I always wondered about how my asexuality will fall into place in all this. After learning that I was asexual, I told myself that I'm never having sex nor will I enter a relationship with anyone sexual. I heard about asexuals getting into relationships with sexual people. Even compromising and having sex, but that isn't me. I'm not compromising shit, sex is a deal breaker along with having children.

But what about my twin, will HE be sexual? Will he be asexual? I don't know. What about the twin flame connection and relationship? I heard many times that apparently making love to your twin flame the best thing ever, but I want no parts of that. It suppose to be the major thing that connects twin flames totally. Or something of the sort, I haven't checked my sources in a while haha. No matter how you cut it, sex won't be apart of my next relationship, but what about twin flame asexuality? How does that work? I never even heard about it. Seeing the circumstances and if some crazy lineups happen, I might be in the first one. But till and if that happens, what is an asexual Twin Flame relationship and can it work?

I say it does, for the simple fact that I was born asexual. I'm pretty sure I planed it to be that way as well. Why shouldn't my other half of my soul chose the same? It doesn't make sense for one partner to be asexual and the other sexual. Not to mention I found out about my asexuality well after I met my twin. During which I was learning (and still am) so much about myself. Things I knew that would improve and make our meeting even better.

Intuitively speaking, I never got the feeling he was sexual, quite the opposite. Nor did I get any signs of it either. Honestly, it wouldn't make sense for the universe to push me in that direction when my plan was set in the beginning. And with all the peculiar and wonderful coincidences I've been putting together about us as twin flames, it would be extremely odd for this one issue to suddenly screw it all up. Besides, worst case scenario if he is sexual, I'm sure he'll understand my stance. I can't promise any romantic relationships though. 

Long story short, I guess you can say my curiosity has been plaguing me about this one issue for a long time. I meant to blog about this before but as always, I'm waiting for the right time to do so.

I hope you all enjoyed this. I would love to hear about any twin flame or asexual stories if you have any. One of my major goals is to get more involved with my followers in a more personal way. I enjoy the connection and it enriches my life in this area.

Talk to you all soon!

My Golden Rules for Spirituality Part 1

With throwing away some old ideals and mindsets with the spirituality community, I feel a lot more free to be who I am. The parts of me that fought and struggled for control and perfection are finally settling down, because they both know they're perfect as they are. Due to the internal struggle I felt like I was cut in half, into the more "pure and enlighten" side as well as the more "dark and rustic" side. However, having these two energies finally met in the middle was the best thing I could ever gotten out of this. Where that clear light and dark turned into many rays of light, making it quite a beautiful show!

With these two energies free to act as they will I felt that I needed to establish some new and timeless rules for myself. Rules that I was afraid of,  hesitate to follow and actively pursue in fears of rejection. Now, however, I'm becoming a whole new me finally deciding what truly works for me and throwing out the rest. No more "what this person or expert" said, I'm deciding what I know is right for me and what feels good.

Since my list and explanations were so long I'm breaking this post into parts, this post being the first one. So without further ado, here is my personal new rules for spirituality!

1. I have to serve myself, not the world

For years I've read that we chose to come here to serve the world and make it a better place. I also heard it personally in that amount of time from my guides, angels and sometimes myself. However, me being wrapped up in only that made me lost sight of who I truly needed to serve first, myself. Because of that, I struggled for years to be this perfect divine light worker healer to serve and save the world. Even though mainstream spirituality (as did I) preach the fact that we came here to this super awesome special mission to help enlighten the world, I'm changing that in my life. I came here to serve and better myself for myself. I'm not making the fact that if I don't drop everything to solely serve the world, I'm being less of a light worker or a person that wants to see this world prosper. If I'm not happy in my own life I have to tend to that, not the world's suffering.

2. The ego is the greatest part of being human (RANT ALERT)

And I love every drop of it. In too many books have I read that the ego was the source of human suffering, our inferior desires for material gain, wealth, our negative emotions, negative experiences and so many other things that goes wrong in life. When I first read about it many years ago, I was pretty put off naturally. I felt rather offended that some yahoo had the nerve to say that my personality was somehow inherently bad. And that if I don't transcend beyond it and it's earthy desires, I'm doomed to have a shitty life. FLAT OUT BULLSHIT.

To me, blaming the ego for an individual's or the world's suffering is like calling a baby demonic because it shits on itself. Bad things happen, it's apart of life. You learn, get better and do better. Hiding away via spirituality on cloud nine pretending that anything less than feeling compassion and forgiveness is apart of this evil force of the soul, only makes you that much unwilling to learn about life.

More over, it's giving too many people excuses for their own downfalls when everyone is hopping on this spiritual bandwagon. The ego isn't some outside force that wants to see you fail. If you're feeling bad, feeling like you're attracting bad stuff, that isn't the ego that's fucking you up, IT'S YOU, YOU ARE THE EGO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS. Stop blaming your downfalls on this imaginary ego concept, seriously.

The ego is the part of us that makes us human. It makes us feel, see, hear, touch and taste the world we chose to be in. It gives us that spark of life and it's the vehicle that makes living possible. What you think is the ego is just your past hang ups, regrets, frustrations and negative emotions, the kicker is those are gifts. If you decide to face and sort them out you'll find more of yourself as well as more self love.

I've been on the fence with spirituality's definition of the ego for years, and it only made me feel inferior for wanting the things I want. Thus causing me to slow down or halt my success and blossoming as a person within this world, rather than outside of it. Coming to the place where I completely allow myself to want and go after material things only made my life greater. I don't feel bad or impure about being human, so that is a vital rule I'm now fully integrating into my life.

3. Wanting material gain is something I shouldn't be ashamed of

Again, this falls into the whole "ego" concept.

4. Listen to no person, expert, guru or channeled entity if it doesn't resonate

For years I've been following all kinds of spiritual people and entities on my journey. They all had something different to bring and each of them were unique. However, more often than not, I wouldn't resonate with them fully, or something they feel strongly about puts me off or I feel indifferent to. Because of this, I had to learn that I should only follow people I truly resonate with. Since I naturally absorb whatever I'm around, no matter the source (like books, TV, audio) it would clash with my natural beliefs. Thus, causing me to push and pull between what was spirituality "right" and what was "wrong."  

Right now, I basically cleaned out all of my social networks of all the spiritual people I followed, and even more so the experts. That only gave me a lot more breathing room to be and follow my own guidance without interference which is vital.

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I hope you all enjoyed my list and even my rant haha! With that being said, are there specific rules for spirituality that you made for yourself? Do you think it helps you on your journey? If so, I would love to hear about it!

♥♥♥ Inner Child, The Divine Whisperer ♥♥♥